Tonight, Saroj dhai took me, Hyesu, and Dambi for sukuti (dried, then fried buffalo meat) and we had a heavy conversation about the Maoist insurgency and how they gained power here by force, making villagers fear them. Maoists made a point of torturing and murdering people publicly to make their power clear. In Saroj's hometown, Janikinagar, one man who was thought to be a spy was hung, dragged through the local market, and later cut into pieces in front of his family. When an onlooker spoke up, he too was victim to this treatment and when his father gasped and cried out for his son, he too was taken.Suddenly, I had no appetite for sukuti.
During the insurgency, 13,000 lives were taken, many innocent ones. For what? What change has come since Maoists have had power in government? In 4 months, there may be a chance for an election.
I have trouble registering these stories. The only word that comes out of my mouth is "wow," while my brow furrows deeper and deeper. My mind is skipping between images of this man being killed and some of our children at the center whose fathers were also killed. The loss that they feel must never fade. Right now, I don't know how to react. The sadness I feel maybe is a fraction of what God must feel like seeing how humans have treated each other throughout history.
We also talked about the future of the children center and how action needs to happen fast. Our lease is over next month and we are searching for a new location temporarily but a better one long term... but all these things take so much funding, something that is scarce. The funding we do have is month to month, so there is constant stress of what we can afford to do. Saroj so wants so badly to become financially independent, but it takes time. I admire his undying enthusiasm and positive outlook. A visionary, his ideas seem to multiply before they are complete. Still, though, where will we live? How can we afford to build a new village? How can we open a new school for our children? What will the children do when they graduate grade school? If we grow our own food, will the children have time to focus on their studies? I could feel my chest clenching up as we talked. I feel so small, compared to these big questions/issues.
Sometimes I feel so inspired and like I'm making a big impact here, but sometimes I feel so small and powerless. I left dinner feeling so overwhelmed and worried for the future of this place and most importantly, the futures of these children. I have come to love them and will never forget their dreams, smiles, and tight hugs.
What to do? I feel like I've just barely dipped my toe in an endless sea of people and places that have so much need in the world. Why are there not enough people to give? Why are there all these children who have no support beyond this center? Are they learning to depend on foreign aid? These things are swimming in my mind tonight and are bothersome. They're all studying in the studyroom now before bed.
My heart melts in class while I am teaching them "Doh a deer" and they try so sincerely to hit each note... most of them miss :) But, the effort makes my heart feel warm. They never want to stop practicing. The boys' faces become so serious and their face forms a frown when we get to the higher La, Ti, Doh. They are so innocent, well-intentioned, and sweet. I wish they could have more control over their own lives. I wish they had families to support them. I wish they could sing on key :)
Anyway, just had to get that off my chest... It helps a little to write it out.
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